I have confidence in me! (Or do I?)

I think that Sassy will appreciate the title of this post, given how much she loves The Sound of Music and the fact that she just went on the tour in Austria this summer. I'm going to ignore the fact that it should really be "I have confidence in myself," and move on.

So why am I here? Why this blog? Why this method?

Basically, I've struggled with weight for most of my life. My weight has gone up and down more times than the stock market. OK, that might be an exaggeration, but you get the drift. I started gaining weight in elementary school and it spiraled out of control through about 7th grade. I then slimmed down for a

while but gained a lot of it back eventually. Freshman year of college, particularly the first semester, I gained quite a bit of weight. I had just had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst before starting school and I was on physical restrictions for a few months. And all-you-can-eat dining halls were my downfall.

So the summer after freshman year, I joined Weight Watchers with my mom. That also

happens to be the last time I was at a wedding (my sister's). This was me on the morning of my sister's wedding. At this point, I weighed about 199 pounds. This is kind of a big deal for me to reveal this number, but I'm OK with it because I really don't think I looked it. No one ever believes me when I tell them how much I weigh. BTW I loved this dress and I want to wear it again sometime, but I have no clue when I'll have an occasion that warrants it.

Anyway, after doing Weight Watchers that summer, I lost 20 pounds and I was down to 179. I was thrilled! I went up and down a couple more times during my sophomore year and the first half of junior year, but never really a noticeable amount either way, so I was OK with it. Spring semester junior year when I was in Australia, I lost a TON of weight. I don't know precisely how much, but none of my clothes fit me by the end of the five months. I was absolutely ecstatic and I was feeling great about myself. I'm pretty sure I put it all back on in the next three months following my return to the States.

That kind of brings me to where I am now. I currently weigh 185 pounds. Ideally, I would like to lose another 20. During the summer, I began a challenge with myself working toward "A Better Me." You can read about that over at my personal blog here. At the beginning of this challenge, I weight 190 pounds. So since then, I actually lost (and kept off) 5 pounds. I also lost an inch in my waist, which is HUGE for me. But I haven't done anything in the month of September. I lost motivation. I lost confidence. I kind of stopped caring.

Confidence has always been a huge problem for me. I've been at the point where I'm content with my body, but I'm not happy with it or confident in it. I want to get to that point.

Let's get one thing straight: I WILL NEVER BE SKINNY. And I'm OK with that. I just want to be happy with myself again.

When I lost those 20 pounds in the summer of 2006, I was happy. When I lost the weight in Australia, I was happy. I haven't really been confident in my physical appearance since then. I have days where I feel pretty, but there are many, many more where I feel ugly and undesirable. My time in Australia instilled so much confidence in me in every aspect of my life. For the first time ever, I knew who I was, what I wanted to do and where I wanted to be. And it was amazing. I've lost that all again. I struggle. I stress. I feel unattractive.

So those are my general goals and motivations. Confidence. Happiness. And health. I'll go more into detail in another post about my concrete goals, my methods and some specific instances that spurred this challenge of a new me. I started over again yesterday, and I already feel a little bit better.